"Daddy"

Well I've been really having a lot on my mind when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend Donny. We started seeing one another when I was 7 months pregnant. When we started seeing each other he instantly made me fall in love. I don't know if he said all the right things or what. He told me if we we're to be together he'd treat Graig like his own blah blah... everything! So yes, he did say all the right things. Now Graig is 7 months old.. and I know he's nowhere near ready to treat Graig like his own. This morning Graig said da-da for the first time (not his first words but it is his first time saying that) and I was like oh jesus I hope he said ba-ba because he doesn't have a da-da. And Donny told me to never say that. Graig's father isn't around and has seen the baby a whole 5 times maybe and is out getting drunk and high all day everyday. He's 23 years old and has NEVER worked a day in his life. Has 2 DWI and drug possession charges.. I just can't believe someone can sit on their ass all day and be fine with the way their life is. I'm DYING to go back to work! If I had a car I'd be working part time at least and go back to school. I can't stand not working. I feel completely worthless with my life. I'm depressed and never want Graig to grow up and realize I didn't go to college. I feel bad for my son. I don't think I'll ever get married one day and I don't think any guy I ever come across will be ready to take on a kid and treat him as their own. I know it's still early and there's time for things to come full circle but I just wonder everyday. I feel guilty having to bring him into a broken home and him not having a great father. I don't look forward to the day he asks me questions, I don't know what I'll say. You always just want the best for your kids and you don't always know how to provide that or guide them I guess. In October/November all Donny did was talk about getting engaged. Now he doesn't even want to live together when his lease is up at the end of April. I just wonder what I'm even doing and if it'll ever go anywhere. I don't want next year to come and his lease be up and he says to me "Sorry I can't handle the baby (thats what he said for why he doesnt want to live together)" Graig will be about to hit his terrible 2's... so if he cant handle the baby now.. he definitely wont be able to then! And I told him I'll just walk away from the relationship then. I feel numb. I've just accepted the fact because I have a kid guys are going to frown upon me in all different ways. I've accepted the fact I might never get married and if I do it won't be for another 10 years. Who knows... I know I'm not the first mom out there to go through any of this but I don't know anyone else who's going through what I'm going through.